So tonight was just another frustrating event where I thought I had it all together only to realize no matter how hard I try, I seem to fail. And I just wanted to cry. A matter of fact, as I was trying to flat iron my hair as quickly as possible, a few tears escaped my eyes & I quickly wiped them away so I wouldn't have to explain to Reggie why I was crying.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try or work, I fail? Why do I feel like it's never enough or good enough? Why am I so frustrated with myself & others? Why can't I pull it together?
I read a message, a friend put on Facebook sharing the difference between a Super Woman & an Abiding Woman. I'm embarassed to admit it but I fell under the Super Woman category and that's not a good thing.
Super Woman verses Abiding Woman
Does vs. Is
Tries to impress others vs Pleases the Lord
Is controlled by agenda vs Is controlled by Holy Spirit
Self worth found in accomplishments vs Self worth found in accurate view of who she is in Christ
Discouraged by failure vs Remembers Gods strength is made perfect in weakness
Expects perfection from self & others vs Practices grace with self & others
Teaches her kids to be good vs Teaches her kids to be Godly
Frustrated with lack of spiritual fruit vs Abides in Christ & bears much fruit
Does things with children vs Builds a relationship with children
Perspective is based on what is seen vs Perspective is based on what is unseen
Chooses quantity of activities vs Chooses the most excellent of ways
What can I say? I asked God tonight what was I doing wrong? And He has shown me. Does this make me feel like a bigger failure than ever? YES! But I must move from trying to be super woman to being an abiding woman! A super woman, I am not & will never be, no matter how hard I try! But with your help Lord, I can abide! I must abide!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Get Real
Once again I find myself here. God has asked me to 'blog' ...well not in those words but I'm suppose to write. Why? Not sure. What? Don't really know. What I do know is I start & then I stop??? I need to learn how to be real. I think I'm real but then I'm not really? I'm not sure I really know how to be. I don't consider myself a vain person but I'm too concerned about my image (how I will look) - it's true! I want to be someone I'm not or maybe there's this kind of person I want to be... I'm just not that person yet!
I'm hoping God will help me to become real & in doing so ...maybe He has a plan in it all;) ... I want to make a difference for real...like really help someone - how? I don't know - I feel so far from that right now. Only a handful of friends & family even know I have a blog but It's been so long since I have written I'm sure they've even forgotten but that's okay...as for now...I need to do this for me. I need to obey what God has been telling me for so long & that's good enough for me!
I just read a blog from an aquaintance & I was encourage by their honesty with their struggles. And God has used it to once again remind me that I need to write & I need to share my struggles & not fear how I will look or if no one cares or for that matter if anyone ever even reads this. I need to get real with myself. Thank you God for continuing to be patient with me & reminding me to do what you've asked me to do so many times! And thank you M & C for your blog & your honesty that has made me try this once again! Here I am Lord!
I'm hoping God will help me to become real & in doing so ...maybe He has a plan in it all;) ... I want to make a difference for real...like really help someone - how? I don't know - I feel so far from that right now. Only a handful of friends & family even know I have a blog but It's been so long since I have written I'm sure they've even forgotten but that's okay...as for now...I need to do this for me. I need to obey what God has been telling me for so long & that's good enough for me!
I just read a blog from an aquaintance & I was encourage by their honesty with their struggles. And God has used it to once again remind me that I need to write & I need to share my struggles & not fear how I will look or if no one cares or for that matter if anyone ever even reads this. I need to get real with myself. Thank you God for continuing to be patient with me & reminding me to do what you've asked me to do so many times! And thank you M & C for your blog & your honesty that has made me try this once again! Here I am Lord!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Zane asked Jesus in his heart!
December 19th, 2010
around 10:20pm
I went & layed down with Zane as Reggie & I both take turns doing from time to time. As I was laying there, Zane said 'what do you want to talk about' (that's his new thing to ask;) & as I normally do, I said 'what do you want to talk about?'. His reply 'Dinosaurs'. Okay! Little did I know where this was going. It was late, well past his bedtime but I was not so tired & a willing participant in the conversation. In his usually silly way, Zane was pretending to be frightened, putting his hand to his ear & saying 'wait, do you hear that...there's a dinosaur out there' & I explained 'there's no dinosaur out there...Dinosaurs all died .. And then started the questions....why ...we talked about the flood & oxygen in the earth & why there was a flood, people not obeying God & His Word & there are people today that are bad ...each statement followed by a 'why'? Which led us right up to the reason ...b/c people don't have Jesus in their hearts & they do things they shouldn't do & that's why it's important we ask Jesus in our heart! And spontaneously Zane closed his eyes in the cute way he does when he's pretending to be asleep - little brow crinkled & said 'Jesus will you come into our heart?'. And this momma was in shock, amazed & in awe - mind & heart now racing (I did not expect that, shoot I wasn't even thinking about him doing that...oh my goodness...he gets it... Thank you Jesus, just as your word says, to come to you like children...even a child can understand! Zane, Zane you just asked Jesus in your heart! That's amazing, I'm so proud of you! Putting my hand on his heart, can you feel Jesus in your heart? Yep! Hey, Let's tell Daddy. We called Daddy up to the bedroom & Zane tells Daddy 'I tell Jesus to come in my heart' - Daddy, can you ask Jesus in your heart?' (which of course I thought was cute & funny!) Daddy in his most sweet father to son voice 'I did already, a long time ago! I asked Jesus in my heart too! That's good buddy! As Zane then recounts part of our conversation about dinosaurs & people not having Jesus in their heart! Then we called Mimi & Pops & they talked to Zane about them asking Jesus in their heart a long time ago & how proud of him they were (very sweet conversation). We then tried to call Papa & Nini but it was late & we didn't get them (we decided to wait & tell them in person on Christmas eve...since it was so close). A little later Zane asked me about the people who did not have Jesus in their heart & he was very concerned about them & I told him - we need to pray they will ask Jesus in their hearts too & he prayed & asked Jesus to come in their hearts! And isn't that Gods heart, it's natural once you realize & ask Jesus in your heart to want others to know & do the same - even an almost 3 year old understands that - Beautiful, simply beautiful!
The next morning as Reggie & I were talking about it, Reggie said he has been talking to Zane about the true meaning of Christmas lately when they lay down together at night. And about Jesus being in our hearts! So thankful Daddy had been planting those seeds in Zane's heart already! And that Zane has a father that has Jesus in his heart & is willing to talk to him about Jesus!
We are blessed by the Lord! So grateful!
around 10:20pm
I went & layed down with Zane as Reggie & I both take turns doing from time to time. As I was laying there, Zane said 'what do you want to talk about' (that's his new thing to ask;) & as I normally do, I said 'what do you want to talk about?'. His reply 'Dinosaurs'. Okay! Little did I know where this was going. It was late, well past his bedtime but I was not so tired & a willing participant in the conversation. In his usually silly way, Zane was pretending to be frightened, putting his hand to his ear & saying 'wait, do you hear that...there's a dinosaur out there' & I explained 'there's no dinosaur out there...Dinosaurs all died .. And then started the questions....why ...we talked about the flood & oxygen in the earth & why there was a flood, people not obeying God & His Word & there are people today that are bad ...each statement followed by a 'why'? Which led us right up to the reason ...b/c people don't have Jesus in their hearts & they do things they shouldn't do & that's why it's important we ask Jesus in our heart! And spontaneously Zane closed his eyes in the cute way he does when he's pretending to be asleep - little brow crinkled & said 'Jesus will you come into our heart?'. And this momma was in shock, amazed & in awe - mind & heart now racing (I did not expect that, shoot I wasn't even thinking about him doing that...oh my goodness...he gets it... Thank you Jesus, just as your word says, to come to you like children...even a child can understand! Zane, Zane you just asked Jesus in your heart! That's amazing, I'm so proud of you! Putting my hand on his heart, can you feel Jesus in your heart? Yep! Hey, Let's tell Daddy. We called Daddy up to the bedroom & Zane tells Daddy 'I tell Jesus to come in my heart' - Daddy, can you ask Jesus in your heart?' (which of course I thought was cute & funny!) Daddy in his most sweet father to son voice 'I did already, a long time ago! I asked Jesus in my heart too! That's good buddy! As Zane then recounts part of our conversation about dinosaurs & people not having Jesus in their heart! Then we called Mimi & Pops & they talked to Zane about them asking Jesus in their heart a long time ago & how proud of him they were (very sweet conversation). We then tried to call Papa & Nini but it was late & we didn't get them (we decided to wait & tell them in person on Christmas eve...since it was so close). A little later Zane asked me about the people who did not have Jesus in their heart & he was very concerned about them & I told him - we need to pray they will ask Jesus in their hearts too & he prayed & asked Jesus to come in their hearts! And isn't that Gods heart, it's natural once you realize & ask Jesus in your heart to want others to know & do the same - even an almost 3 year old understands that - Beautiful, simply beautiful!
The next morning as Reggie & I were talking about it, Reggie said he has been talking to Zane about the true meaning of Christmas lately when they lay down together at night. And about Jesus being in our hearts! So thankful Daddy had been planting those seeds in Zane's heart already! And that Zane has a father that has Jesus in his heart & is willing to talk to him about Jesus!
We are blessed by the Lord! So grateful!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Eden's Heritage
Today we dedicated our precious daughter to the Lord. What an awesome knowing! A deep sense of peace, of a covering, honoring our Father who has been so gracious to us with such a delicate flower, His beautiful work of Art!
Oh Father, your loving kindness overwhelms me! This beautiful, sweet girl you have given Reggie & I... Words can not express. She is so tender & full of such life & joy. She is only 6 months yet she is teaching me. Things my heart & eyes are seeing & feeling that I must have lost somewhere along my way! Open to finding those things inside me once again!
We don't dedicate our children bc of the traditions of man! No, it's so much more! To honor & respect this life God has given to us. To cry out for His protection, His covering, Trusting that He will keep her & draw her to Himself. Our way to ask God to impart wisdom to us to raise Eden in the ways of the Lord & to commit to that very task. Our families stood with us...why? It takes a village to raise a child & we need them, she needs them! They represent, remind & impart a long legacy of living for God. Her Godly heritage! There are numerous reason for doing this meanful act. What I didn't think about was what the Pastor spoke in Matt. 19:13-14... When they brought the children to Jesus to be prayed over... 'Jesus said "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." It's about the blessing! Of course, it is. And we could never comprehend all of what His blessing means. And oh how we want Jesus to bless our children!
Eden Jewel Ann Smith, because of Love you received a blessing today from your Heavenly Father! Your Momma & your Daddy love you & we want all of what God has for you. We want you safe & wrapped in His arms & covered by His blood. We want to teach you in the way you should go so that when you are older, you will not depart from it. It is our greatest desire for you to accept, live for & serve God. Yet our love & desires for you pale in comparison to His love & desires for you. After all He is the one who created you, formed & intricately wove you together, His masterpiece! And today your family, who He gave you too, brought you back to Him & through His appointed man of God acknowledge you belong to Him & we have the honor of caring for what is God's. I know He honors this act of our hearts & You are blessed bc He loves you! This is your heritage in the Lord!
Oh Father, your loving kindness overwhelms me! This beautiful, sweet girl you have given Reggie & I... Words can not express. She is so tender & full of such life & joy. She is only 6 months yet she is teaching me. Things my heart & eyes are seeing & feeling that I must have lost somewhere along my way! Open to finding those things inside me once again!
We don't dedicate our children bc of the traditions of man! No, it's so much more! To honor & respect this life God has given to us. To cry out for His protection, His covering, Trusting that He will keep her & draw her to Himself. Our way to ask God to impart wisdom to us to raise Eden in the ways of the Lord & to commit to that very task. Our families stood with us...why? It takes a village to raise a child & we need them, she needs them! They represent, remind & impart a long legacy of living for God. Her Godly heritage! There are numerous reason for doing this meanful act. What I didn't think about was what the Pastor spoke in Matt. 19:13-14... When they brought the children to Jesus to be prayed over... 'Jesus said "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." It's about the blessing! Of course, it is. And we could never comprehend all of what His blessing means. And oh how we want Jesus to bless our children!
Eden Jewel Ann Smith, because of Love you received a blessing today from your Heavenly Father! Your Momma & your Daddy love you & we want all of what God has for you. We want you safe & wrapped in His arms & covered by His blood. We want to teach you in the way you should go so that when you are older, you will not depart from it. It is our greatest desire for you to accept, live for & serve God. Yet our love & desires for you pale in comparison to His love & desires for you. After all He is the one who created you, formed & intricately wove you together, His masterpiece! And today your family, who He gave you too, brought you back to Him & through His appointed man of God acknowledge you belong to Him & we have the honor of caring for what is God's. I know He honors this act of our hearts & You are blessed bc He loves you! This is your heritage in the Lord!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Early Mornings
I love early mornings, not saying I'm an early riser bc I'm not. Though, interestingly enough I am awake early every morning. I currently get up to feed the baby or make my husbands coffee bc I forgot to do it the night before or just bc I'm awake on a particular morning. Some mornings I do one or more of those things & then I crawl back in bed & snuggle under my warm comforter & delightfully fall back to sleep until my 3 year old says "momma, it's wake up time. Look, it's bright out!" Other mornings, I stay awake usually lying in bed thinking, or reading or talking to the Lord or watching my 6 month old sleep...sometimes all of those things! And I really love doing all of those things but what I love the most is what isn't said or done. It's what's just understood...it's a new day, it's a fresh start. How incredibly amazing that God designed something so magical for us...we get a brand new canvas every morning! To me that is simply beautiful! I'm just going to lay here & take it all in until I hear that sweet voice saying "momma, it's wake up time". Enjoy your new day, today!!!
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